Beer and Jesus

Today is Holy Thursday. A few years ago, one of the klassier points in my life happened on this day.

After college, I was part of a young adults bible study at my church. We met on Thursdays to read and discuss the bible. After bible study, we went out for drinks. I called it Jesus and beer night.

(It was a Catholic bible study, so the Jesus and beer combo wasn’t weird.)

Since Holy Thursday was, you know, on a Thursday it got in the way of our meeting. We decided instead to go to mass and then out for drinks.

So Holy Thursday comes, and I go out for dinner after work with a friend. And we meet some guys in town on business. With an expense account.

This leads to our dinner and drinks being free. Which is awesome. And leads to more free drinks.

Except I’m now bombed. At Applebees.

(fun fact: there are pictures of me on the walls of my hometown Applebees. I’m kinda a big deal)

And I’m supposed to be at church in 10 minutes.

Now, a normal person may have thought “I’m drunk. Perhaps mass isn’t a good choice”. But drunk Kalin thought “I’m a problem solver! I’ll call a friend from bible study to get me!”

So I dialed up the 35 year old engineer who wanted to get in my pants. Because if someone’s trying to get on you they can’t judge.

He came and got me and church was PACKED. It turns out church is super overstimulating when you’re drunk. Stand up, sit down, incense, sing, kneel, it was too much.

And then.

It was time to wash feet.

See, on Holy Thursday they reenact Jesus washing his disciples feet. At churches I’ve attended it’s always a dozen pre-selected people.

But I was drunk. And thought they were going to wash my feet.

And the several hundred other congregants feet.

Which meant that 1. I was going to have to act sober in front of the priest (Who knew me. We’re facebook friends) and 2. Mass was going to last FOREVER.

This was all bad. I tried to leave. My shoes were flats I never wore socks with. Everyone would know my feet smell.

I had to have it explained to me it was ok. Several times.

Someone might have pointed out I smelled like booze in there too.

Finally, mass was over, and me and my unwashed feet went out to dinner with everyone. I had water to drink.

So life lessons friends:

1. Church when you’re bombed only seems like a good choice

2. Your feet are safe on Holy Thursday

and most importantly

3. Jesus doesn’t judge.

Happy Holy Week friends!

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5 responses to “Beer and Jesus

  1. I would like you to know that I almost peed my pants reading this! LOVE IT!

  2. Wow – Applebee’s…maybe I should take advantage of Joe’s Crab Shack more often!!

  3. You’re going to go to heeeeell!!! Hahahaha! Just kidding, but I was cracking up at the thought of you going to church drunk. Jesus still loves you, but next time, do try to stay sober. 😉

    p.s. you’re facebook friends with your priest? Hee hee, that’s kinda cool.

  4. You are seriously hilarious!!! I actually burst out laughing while reading this. And I totally believe that you are a big deal in your town – how could you not be!!?

  5. OMG – funniest post EVER!

    My 73 year-old mother got a DUI after being over-served at Applebee’s. They don’t mess around. (To be fair, she hadn’t finished her riblets and she weighs all of 112 lbs.)

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